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AstralProjection

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re: Peer Review - Trooper Part 3

Beware, the following post may contain harmful quantities of epicness and contraindicated dosages of win. Read at your own caution. (This is CMDR's last part tailored for where I'm taking the story, and fleshed out a bit). I will say for some reason this was probably the hardest part for me to write. Not sure why. The other parts I've started are flowing more smoothly. I just wanted to be pleased with my one crack at a battle in the skies, so I had to spend more time on it. Enjoy : )
_______________________________________________________________________________

The name’s Lee. Adrastos Lee. At least that’s the name I’ve gone by for practically as long as I remember. Before that almost feels like a different lifetime. I was a Sergeant in the Republic Special Forces back then, back when it all went down. My career in the military has always felt like the only part of my life that ever truly meant something. The events of the battle for WeatherNet only served to reinforce that feeling.

Coruscant should’ve been an easy assignment, but not for a man of conviction and purpose like me. I wasn’t looking for the easy assignments. I was the Lieutenant’s favorite soldier, personally requested for transfer to this post, away from the front lines that had always felt more like home to me than anywhere else. I thought it was a waste of my talent at first, to be there training recruits instead of out on the battlefield where a man of my experience was really needed every day; but that was before the Sith sacked our capital and laid waste to the very heart of our Republic.

In a way I had resented my old mentor for dragging me back to the planet I grew up on. It was bad enough that I wasn’t out there using my skills against the Sith, but to have to face the ghosts of my childhood in the process just made it that much more difficult for me. I had gotten into the military to get away from my home planet, at least on some level. Yeah, I also joined to protect innocent life everywhere to make a place for myself in the galaxy, and for all the other clichéd, Bildungsromanesque reasons a man goes off to war to find himself, but when I signed up there were darker things haunting my mind as well. Losing my parents had caused me to grapple with many thoughts that were foreign to me, and my return home just brought that confusion and resentment roaring back into my life. I was a little on-edge for most of my tour on Coruscant. I kept asking why, if I was such a model soldier, would they not allow me to lead by example where there were actually victories to be won? Of course I understand it now, looking back. Having trainers who represent the pinnacle of military discipline and achievement touching the lives of thousands instead of just one squad helps to mold more recruits into higher quality soldiers and affect a greater change in the galaxy; but back then it was not easy for me to accept.

I was sitting next to our pilot, Greeata Jasla, keeping an eye on the horizon with my macrobinocular as we approached our target, the Weather Control Network. Ardhel had pulled together whatever troops we could get, including plenty of greens, but there were a number of others who were SpecForces like me as well. It was a relief to know that there were a few troopers like Sergeant Wo Koon present to lend much needed experience to the group. It would help keep the younger, less experienced troopers we had rounded up from losing their cool. Sergeant Koon never lost his cool and his presence on the battlefield appeared almost effortless for him, and I admired that. If there was one weakness I had it was a bad temper, even if my years of experience had taught me when to reign it in and when to let it loose upon the enemy. I was a soldier, not a warrior, and that meant I never let emotion come before discipline or duty. Sometimes I wished it was as easy to remember as Wo Koon made it look, though. Sergeant Koon was another one of Ardhel’s favorites, and even though I was the Lieutenant’s right hand man, the Kel Dor was equally important on this mission. Wo Koon had an affinity with explosives and heavy weapons that I had never reached. While I was probably our best marksman, Koon was one of the best heavies I had ever worked with in my career. We were rapidly approaching his moment to shine. As if destiny had been listening in on my thoughts, Ardhel suddenly broke my train of thought to announce, “Target will be within firing range in three minutes. Sergeant Koon, have your men ready. I don’t believe I have to tell you what needs to be done.”

Watching the calm before the storm through my macrobinocular, I felt like I was in a holovid of some ancient war. We weren’t using sensors to avoid giving ourselves away to the enemy. Approaching undetected was our biggest advantage, knowing that we would be greatly outnumbered by the Sith occupational force. Maybe I had watched too many of those holovids while I was on leave, because I half expected one of the Privates to belt out, “INCOMING!” and feel the shuttle rocked with enemy fire. If there had been quiet, foreboding music playing in the background, that moment would’ve been the one where the music began building toward a climactic crescendo.

I must have been grinning, because Greeata elbowed me in the rib and said, “Why are you so happy? This is the big moment- get your head on your shoulders, Lee!”

“Sorry, Jasla, I just can’t wait to get in there and kick some Sith tail,” I told her with a smile, thinking it was probably better to not let her know that I was comparing our lives to the holovids. The pilot almost always died in these stories. I set my binocular down on the seat next to me. Your eyes are more exact than the best device, kid. They’ll never lie to you. Always stay sharp, make sure you know what you saw, and then trust in that. The words of Alvar, my first mentor, who was more like a father to me than anything else still rattled around inside my skull from that other lifetime, remnants of a distant past. He was the one part of that life that hadn’t faded into obscurity. I could never forget him. I had taken his surname when I joined up to make sure that I never did.

The other two assault shuttles flew in the vanguard with our command shuttle, with the two troop transports lingering just behind, shielded from fire by the more heavily armored ships. Six small aerospace fighters accompanied us, not heavily armed enough to be more than a distraction from the actual action going on. The fighters would use their laser cannons to try to keep any Sith forces that arrive off the transports as they unloaded their troops at the western entrance to the facility. Once all the forces were inside it would be Sergeant Koon’s show again, and he would seal off the building from any outside intrusion. I took a glance back into the cabin toward him as he issued orders to his heavies and prepped several large anti-vehicle rockets for launch. Sealing off the building was going to mean one hell of an explosion, much bigger than the salvos of smaller explosives we were preparing to loose. Knowing him as I did, I was pretty sure that he was looking forward to that part more than his cryptic, sphinxlike expression would let on.

Glancing backward in the cabin toward Sergeant Koon, I noticed the three Jedi that had showed up right before launch sitting silently alongside the Lieutenant, eyes closed in peaceful meditation. The fourth, the young kid in civilian clothes that was supposed to be a Padawan seemed less interested in meditation than he was watching how the heavy rocket launchers were operated, and the speed and efficiency with which Wo Koon’s heavies moved about their duties. I was curious about the kid, but he was the Jedi’s problem, not mine. I was just glad to have them on our side. Most veterans in the Republic Military knew a Jedi was an invaluable resource in a fight, regardless of the rumors people toss around about them. Their leader, Gaiutus, looked younger that the others to me, but I had never understood the hierarchy of the Jedi very well. We were going to need every able bodied person we could get for the fight ahead, regardless of their age.

Ardhel had unbuckled himself from his restraints and popped his head into the cockpit. “What do you see, Lee? Anything of interest?”

“Negative, Lieutenant, it’s all clear. In fact, it’s too quiet for my taste.”

“Good, well then keep your eyes peeled. The Sith probably have some surprises up those long black sleeves of theirs. We all know things only get too quiet for a reason,” he replied. I picked up my macrobinocular again and began scouring the rooftops for any sign of Sith troopers or anti-aircraft weaponry. At least WeatherNet wouldn’t have anything they could use against us, being a civilian target.

Ardhel began going over one of those postcards he had handed out with Jasla in a whisper as we neared the target. I kept at my task. I hadn’t seen the one he was showing her, but it was clear he was asking her to maneuver the shuttle somewhere that might’ve been next to impossible. She looked increasingly nervous, and mentioned something in tones loud enough for me to overhear about “not enough space”, “no cover”, and “enemy forces”. I tried not to eavesdrop because I wanted to stay focused on my own assignment. Alvar had told me many years ago that a Jedi’s focus could serve a soldier well in his career, as well. They trained day and night to never lose focus on their true purpose, and it kept them from making sloppy mistakes. Again I found his words bubbling to the surface of my mind from that distant life, reminding me to be like the Jedi I had just been studying, and to clear my mind of everything but the task at hand. Every second was important. One second could be the difference between victory and defeat in any fight. I struggled to maintain my focus, but the argument between Jasla and Ardhel was starting to grow to be an inescapable distraction. I laid my optics down once more and listened fully to their conversation.

It didn’t take me long to realize that either Ardhel was asking for the impossible, or Jasla didn’t have the skill to make his plan happen. Maybe both. He wanted the shuttles to touch down on the roof of the complex. One look at the building’s design revealed that there was nowhere shuttles of our size could touch down safely. Greeata wasn’t always the most fearless soldier, but she was a skilled and experienced pilot and wasn’t afraid to admit her own limitations or those of her vehicle. Piloting should be left to droids, I thought with frustration. Droids know what can be done and what can’t be done, and can make an impartial decision. A logical decision. Logic was probably a luxury we didn’t have, though. Perhaps Jasla was showing wisdom, to not be afraid to admit her own limits. Another part of me felt that being willing to test mine in each battle had made me the quintessential trooper that I had become, though. As Alvar had always told me, human beings never truly know the extent of their capabilities. “It is only by testing our limits in extreme situations that we learn what we are truly capable of.”

“Just set the damn thing down as close to that point as you can, Jasla! It doesn’t have to be perfect, we just have to make it work!” Ardhel shouted, before storming out of the cockpit.

“As you wish, sir!” she shouted back in frustration, almost sounding sarcastic, before muttering to herself, “This madness can’t work…close to the target doesn’t matter if it costs us lives we can’t afford to lose.”

I went back to scouring the horizon for signs of the enemy, glad I had some way to make myself useful. Sergeant Koon was stuck back in the troop compartment getting his troopers in position along the edges of the open bay door, no doubt anxious to get to work. It would be his time to shine soon enough. Waiting for the battle to begin was the hardest part of our current situation, a time when many commanders and soldiers alike make their gravest mistakes. We all knew better than to let impatience cost us lives or a victory, though.

“Twenty seconds of cover left,” Greeata spoke calmly over the shuttle’s speaker system. She may have been upset with Ardhel, but the Rodian woman was all business once it was showtime. The closer we got to the complex, the more serious and determined the look in her multifaceted eyes became. I was more focused on what she said. We’d be exiting the cover of the skyscrapers surrounding the complex in twenty seconds. At that point, the element of surprise would be gone, and the battle would, for all intents and purposes, have begun. I hope they aren’t expecting us. I hate traps, I mused, before reminding myself of my mentors’ teachings once more. Settle down, Lee, and keep your eyes on the target. I gripped the command console as Jasla banked hard and wove upward over the final row of buildings.

We were soon over the skyscrapers, giving me a glimpse of Coruscant that I hoped I would never again experience in my lifetime. It wasn’t the capital I had spent my childhood in spread out before me, but some new, alien planet. In some ways, maybe, it helped me leave those ghosts of my past behind; to see a planet, my home planet, being born anew before my very eyes just as I had been upon joining the Special Forces. Coruscant Prime was breaking over the horizon, casting a sharp crimson light across the planet’s surface that was darkened by rising pillars of smoke and ash. Beneath the reddish glow, fires dotted the surface, making it seem as if we were about to land on a violent, volcanic world. At last, I laid eyes upon the opposition; Sith fighters flitted to and fro like insects between the billowing smoke pouring from the burning buildings below. We were lucky, they hadn’t spotted us yet, but there were only moments before they would; the Weather Control Network hub was sprawled out directly ahead beneath us, and we had set a course for rapid descent.

“By the…” Jasla started, as she took in the scene, trailing off when she realized it was her duty to keep us on course. I kept my eyes trained on the Starships below. Mere seconds had passed before a group of them changed course and scrambled to intercept the convoy. Let the battle for WeatherNet begin, I thought to myself, feeling both anxious to dive into some action after being assigned to training duty for so long, and apprehensive that right then our lives were in the hands of our pilots and out of my control. I would control what little I could. “Lee, get on the shared channel, tell them-“ the Rodian again began, but this time it was I that cut her off, one step ahead of my pilot.

“Incoming! Enemy fighters at two o’clock! Scramble to intercept!” I hollered into the comlink on the communications console. Ardhel barely let me finish my sentence before I heard his voice echoing in the troop compartment and across our speakers, “This is it, troopers! As soon as they’re in range, all turrets open fire! Heavies in position, as soon as you have a lock on a target I want you to let those bastards fly, do you get me? We have plenty of ammo, but we can’t afford to lose anyone, we’re outmanned and outgunned. FOR THE REPUBLIC!”

Four of our six escorting fighters broke off from the convoy to intercept the incoming fighters. I grasped the communications console tightly, knowing I was in for a bumpy ride before I got my feet on solid ground again. We were very close to WeatherNet, but it looked so different from that high in the atmosphere. I watched out my viewport as the fighters traded blaster fire, red lasers streaking past green as both groups of ships sought to blast each other into tiny particles. The shuttle rocked when some of the lasers hit home, but as long as they were taking shots at the heavily armored vanguard ships we’d be able to manage. It was the troop transports that couldn’t withstand much of an assault.

From the troop compartment, I heard a voice shout faintly through the chaos, “Target acquired, firing!” and watched with satisfaction as a heavy rocket screamed out from the starboard side of the shuttle, leaving a trail of smoke in its wake as it soared for its target. The rocket collided with the wing of a Sith fighter with a spectacular explosion, doing what our blasters could not, breaking their formation apart as the force of the blast sheared off part of its wing and sent it rocketing into the fighter next to it. Both fighters spun out of control toward the planet’s surface, and I traced the spiral plume of smoke from the ship’s wing downward until it was out of view. Two down…who knows how many more to go. Despite the chaos of the dogfight around us, I could hear Wo Koon in the cabin behind me calmly ordering his trooper back to reload while the next trooper in rotation began to take aim at a different bogey. Just another day at the office.

More rockets lanced out from the shuttles, sending Sith interceptors crashing to the ground, but for every fighter we destroyed it felt as if two took its place. Two of our fighters had quickly fallen prey to blasterfire in the initial salvo loosed by the enemy, while the remaining four had reformed in a desperate attempt to keep the rest of the Sith ships from swarming the troop transport. The turrets on the assault shuttles were firing wildly into the incoming fighters, but were doing minimal damage at best.

I watched the battle will a helpless feeling in my chest, until I noticed a strange-looking interceptor peel off to circle behind us; it was larger, yet more sleek and nimble than the other Sith craft that pursued us. It had a glossy, dark reflective armor on its hull that seemed to radiate the reddish light being cast upon us from all directions, making it glow like a bloodthirsty beast. It was soon joined by two more interceptors that cut their engines and dropped behind our craft, but before I could call it out, Greeata was already going into evasive maneuvers that had the skyline bobbing and swirling so violently that it made me recall what I had for breakfast that morning and almost project it back out into the cockpit. She came out of her maneuver into a sharp dive, heading straight for WeatherNet. “We’ve got mynocks on our tail, I’ve got to shake them!” she shouted over the intercom.

“What the hell is going on up there?!” I heard Ardhel bellow from the cabin, but he knew as well as we did that we were all in the Rodian’s capable hands at that moment, and there was nothing we could do but hang on for the ride. We had gotten enough distance from the main group that I could take in the entire firefight unfolding around us. Sith fighters swarmed our convoy like a plague of Droch during an eclipse. There were far too many to fend off; we had to get inside the complex and trust in our skills as foot soldiers to complete the mission. This battle will not be won in the skies. As if to reinforce my thoughts, one of our fighter compliment came screaming past the cockpit in free fall, adding another plume of smoke to the tumultuous vista painted across the planet’s surface.

“They’re going to shoot us down if we stop, Lieutenant, I don’t have a choice! We don’t have the armor to withstand this many fighters!” Jasla screamed back to him, not bothering to use the intercom. This was the moment in the holovid where the music would begin its final climb to a fevered pitch, and I could tell that the climax was approaching. “Lee, is that where I’m setting this thing down?” Jasla cried, pointing toward the rooftop of the wing of WeatherNet that was rapidly growing larger in our main viewport.

“I think s-ooooooo!” I screamed after glancing at the navigation display, my words interrupted by a violent shudder through the cockpit. Several heavy shots shook our shuttle and caused Greeata to enter another series of gut-wrenching maneuvers. As she circled around I saw the sleek Sith Interceptor that I had noticed before closing in on one of the troop transports that had been following closely behind us. The two troop transports housed well over half of our force; losing one of them would be disastrous to the mission.

“That Interceptor is all over the transports, all units scramble to assist!” I shouted into the comlink and clutched the console to keep upright. One of the assault shuttles dropped back to help, but was torn to shreds by the Interceptor’s wingmen, who had doubled in number by then. Part of the fuselage and pieces of wing cut a burning trail past the cockpit, making my heart catch in my chest when we narrowly missed colliding the with bulk of what used to be the assault shuttle. By then the Interceptor must have acquired a lock on its target, because green lasers lit up the midmorning sky around us accompanied by a pair of torpedoes. I watched with horror as one of the troop transports exploded in a magnificent fireball that engulfed the viewports. So many men gone…in the blink of an eye, I mourned silently. The mission no longer felt like just another job. Anger welled up inside me at the mere thought, and I was now burning with desire to get a chance to take the fight back to the Sith. That opportunity was growing closer with each passing second, with our shuttle rapidly nearing the western entrance to WeatherNet, which jutted out like an appendage from its central hub.

“ARDHEL!!! Have your men brace themselves! We’re coming in too fast to stop! Next stop: WeatherNet!” Jasla shouted into the comlink. Her message could barely be heard over the cacophony of blasterfire and destruction filling the skies around the facility, and the air rushing through the bay doors. I looked at the monitors to see two Sith fighters directly on our tail. Our turrets weren’t strong enough to shoot the fighters down, only to harass the pilots. My blood ran cold when I realized that the larger Interceptor had fallen into place behind us. Greeata was already one step ahead of me, and had seen the ship closing on our sensors. Before I could say anything, she said, “I don’t have another choice, we’ve taken too many hits. I’m sorry for whatever happens next. Hang on to whatever you can- and if we don’t make it, it will be an honor to die by your side, Adrastos Lee,” Greeata Jasla told me with a foreboding grimace twisting her snout. I nodded in understanding. Nothing more needed to be said.

The enemy Interceptor opened fire with its four laser cannons, repeatedly scoring our hull with heavy hits. A large explosion sounded out from the rear of our ship. It was unclear whether it was an engine or a cache of ammunition that was struck, but the blast sent the shuttle spinning erratically off course. Jasla fought with the controls and attempted to regain control of the craft but systems on the shuttle were failing rapidly. The lights in the shuttle began to flicker and dim, then failed entirely. Emergency alarms sounded off in every corner of the craft and cockpit, blaring with a deafening force that seemed to blur my entire reality. Instruments began to shatter, and the few working monitors that remained showed long strings of errors across their displays. The Rodian woman looked toward the monitors frantically, as if she was searching for some sort of control or button she could press to magically set the craft on the ground in one piece. We both knew she wouldn’t find that button.

Greeata pulled up desperately on the controls, unable to do more than get the nose of the craft up a little higher than it would’ve been, and take a little force off of the impact. We were careening straight toward the roof above the western entrance to the complex. One way or another, we were going to “land” right where the Lieutenant had wanted us to- we just weren’t going to be in the condition we’d hoped for. Our pilot finally gave up on the instrument panels and gave one last look at the viewport. She only had time to scream. I wanted to, but was frozen in my seat, like I was watching the holovid of our lives play out and couldn’t look away; a microsecond later, a durasteel girder crashed through the cockpit window between us. Millions of sparks showered us and the entire universe grew dark and hazy. The emergency lights blurred and smeared across the back of my brain to the tune of tearing metal and muffled screaming, until at last, every last stimulus had faded into oblivion.

__________________________________________________________________________


I awoke moments later, though to my body and mind as though I had been engulfed by months of darkness. The cabin was dark, and the girder that bisected the cockpit had narrowly missed taking my left arm with it. Every part of my body ached like the shuttle had crash-landed on top of me instead of the roof of WeatherNet. Emergency padding had deployed inside the cockpit and saved me from what would’ve probably been a fatal impact with the flight console. I slowly unfastened my blaster pistol from its holster and switched on the tactical light mounted beneath the barrel. Even such a small effort caused pain to radiate through my body, but I fought through it and continued on, knowing that we had just dropped into enemy territory.

I turned laboriously to see the hole that the durasteel girder had torn through the cockpit. It crossed at an odd angle, exiting what was left of the troop compartment through the port side of the vessel. Troopers, gear, pieces of the shuttle, anything that was once inside laid scattered unceremoniously throughout the remnants of the craft. The other troopers that I could see through the hole were stirring, and remarkably it appeared that most of us were still among the living. The same emergency padding had deployed in areas where the system hadn’t malfunctioned and softened the force of the impact for most of the men inside. There were no signs of the Jedi Knights that had been in the shuttle but their Padawan was still strapped into his seat, which was now on the opposite side of the shuttle from where it once was, looking unconscious and banged up, but still breathing. I peered over the girder to see Greeata stirring as well, and helped her climb over the steel beam and followed her through the hole into the troop compartment.

When we finally were able to stand up the blood drained from my face, and I was glad to be wearing my helmet, so nobody could see the expression of grief written all over it. Not all of us had made it through the crash. The girder that pierced the cockpit had exited the craft directly through the Lieutenant’s seat, nailing him to the wall of the craft through his lower abdomen. I couldn’t speak or move; Ardhel was the third father-figure in my life to be tragically torn away from me. We had never been as close as Alvar and I had been, but there was an unspoken camaraderie between us that only a commander and their most promising pupil can share. We never spoke of brotherhood, or even friendship, because it never needed to be said. Ardhel always seemed like he could come through any fight and emerge stronger than before. The thought of saying goodbye to him had never crossed my mind.

Greeata moved to run toward him, but Sergeant Koon was faster. In the blink of an eye he was at the Lieutenant’s side, med kit in hand. He removed Ardhel’s helmet and gave him an injection in the side of his neck, no doubt a heavy dose of painkillers. There was nothing else to do. There were no medical droids to rush him to, no bacta tanks in our future, not dropped behind enemy lines as we were. The Lieutenant knew it too, and you could see it in his eyes, which were already glazing over. He had the look of a man who was somewhere else, dreaming about the world we lived in. Maybe it all is just a dream, a bittersweet dream that we shared together, Ardhel, both terrible and magnificent. Maybe I’ll join you there sooner than you think, I thought in silence. I didn’t have the strength to say anything; my throat felt dry and parched, and my body still stood frozen.

As Wo gave him the injection he stirred for a moment, and his eyes blinked open. He began to speak with the last of his strength, “Listen men…You’re the best troopers I’ve ever served with. I taught you everything I know, and you taught me plenty too. I know you have what it takes to complete the mission without me, you always did. Don’t waste any more time with me, I’m already gone. Just go. I’m leaving Sergeant Koon in command. Whatever you do, you have to promise to make these bastards pay. Go! Destiny waits for no man!”

Greeata tried to argue with him, as she so often enjoyed doing before; the two of them just couldn’t help it sometimes, it seemed. “But sir, if we can-“

“JUST GO!” Ardhel bellowed, and then groaned with the strain he placed on himself. He coughed, a deep, wet rasping noise that brought up flecks of blood with each report. He paused to catch his breath, which was quickly leaving him, before asking, “This is an order, soldiers. Do you understand?!” We all stared at him in silence for a moment. “I said, do you understand?!”

“Yes, sir,” the Kel Dor Sergeant replied at last, giving a grudging agreement.

“I can’t hear you!” Ardhel shouted. Perhaps it was more out of habit than anything else, but all the troopers in the cabin who had regained their footing, even I, who had been frozen in my tracks, snapped to attention at the sound of his response and saluted our fallen commander.

“YES SIR!” came our booming response, which shook the very compartment. He had trained us well.

“We’ll meet up after the battle,” I told him, obviously lying. “I promise, sir.”

He smiled at me and answered with a lie of his own, his voice already growing faint. “Sure we will kid…Now get the hell out of here and go do me proud. You always did.” I stood there again for a brief moment, still not wanting to leave, because we both knew we weren’t fooling anyone. At least the lie made us feel better about parting ways with so much left unsaid. We were both going into the unknown now, and we had never let that stop us before. “I said move out! You’ve got a war to win, soldiers! FOR THE REPUBLIC!”

Lieutenant Ardhel’s final words were a fitting tribute to the way he had lived his life. It was given in service of the galaxy he had sworn to protect, the Republic whose laws he had sworn to uphold. It was given so I could pass this story on, and so all of our children and theirs could continue to tell the story of the Galactic Republic. Ardhel knew he wasn’t dying that day, somewhere deep down inside, and that the soldiers he had trained so well would see that he lived forever in the tales of great deeds that were done. I only hope that I am afforded the same comfort, when at last I utter my final battle cry.


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re: Re: Peer Review - Trooper Part 3

Outstanding writing Astral, you are trully a master with the pen :D

Things that I saw as that can be corrected, are posted below Happy



AstralProjection wrote:
Sergeant Koon, have your men ready. I don’t believe I have to tell you what needs to be done.”



Shouldn`t it be "I believe I don`t need to tell you..." ?


AstralProjection wrote:
Knowing him as I did, I was pretty sure that he was looking forward to that part more than his cryptic, sphinxlike expression would let on.



I believe that they didn`t had any sphinxes in Star Wars :D

AstralProjection wrote:
As Alvar had always told me, human beings never truly know the extent of their capabilities. “It is only by testing our limits in extreme situations that we learn what we are truly capable of.”



Maybe instead of human beings lets use living things? Or something, you know, aliens also have the fighting spirit and can go over their limits ;) :D


Also, I dunno if Wo can be his favorite... Wo was mostly out in the outer rims and wherever there was need to hit Sith, so they probably didn`t knew each other that much Happy


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re: Re: Peer Review - Trooper Part 3

Lord Marvel wrote:
Outstanding writing Astral, you are trully a master with the pen :D

Things that I saw as that can be corrected, are posted below Happy



AstralProjection wrote:
Sergeant Koon, have your men ready. I don’t believe I have to tell you what needs to be done.”



Shouldn`t it be "I believe I don`t need to tell you..." ?


AstralProjection wrote:
Knowing him as I did, I was pretty sure that he was looking forward to that part more than his cryptic, sphinxlike expression would let on.



I believe that they didn`t had any sphinxes in Star Wars :D

AstralProjection wrote:
As Alvar had always told me, human beings never truly know the extent of their capabilities. “It is only by testing our limits in extreme situations that we learn what we are truly capable of.”



Maybe instead of human beings lets use living things? Or something, you know, aliens also have the fighting spirit and can go over their limits ;) :D


Also, I dunno if Wo can be his favorite... Wo was mostly out in the outer rims and wherever there was need to hit Sith, so they probably didn`t knew each other that much Happy


Thanks for the feedback!

For the first one, it's really interchangeable. English is an evil language. Both ways are correct, I can make it whatever, depending on what we want.

As far as "sphinxlike", it's an adjective meaning cryptic, unreadable, etc...I could find a different one I suppose, since it's an adjective that comes from Earth mythology. That does make sense. Kind of a similar problem with saying Bildungsromanesque earlier on too, I suppose. The narrator wouldn't necessarily know of those terms. I'll try to reword it.

As far as Wo's familiarity with Ardhel, I had sort of envisioned you training with Lee under Ardhel a long time ago...you got shipped off, as did Lee, but he called Lee back to assist as a trainer. It had been longer since you were serving alongside them, but compared to a lot of the faceless recruits there, I still considered that Wo Koon would've been one of the favorites there, since he was one of the best soldiers. Lee was really "the" favorite going by what we have down so far, but your character would've been high up on his list. If you don't like that, we can change it, we'd just have to do some rewriting. If you're not "one of the favorites", it would also make less sense that he'd leave your character in charge and not Lee.

My goal for these pieces with CMDR was to stay as true to what he wrote as I could - not to remove things, just to embellish on what he laid down for me. As a result, some of that just came from how it was written before. Let me know what you'd want to do in regards to your character.

Thanks!


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re: Peer Review - Trooper Part 3

Ummm... the thing is, that I was never trained in Republic army... I learned my things as mercenary. I was thinking more of joining republic military and than in a very short time being moved to Havoc, since I had gotten through what most veterans never have gotten through Happy

That is why I may not be very familiar with him, he may have heard about me, maybe we met few times, were on mission together or something ;)


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re: Peer Review - Trooper Part 3

Lord Marvel wrote:
Ummm... the thing is, that I was never trained in Republic army... I learned my things as mercenary. I was thinking more of joining republic military and than in a very short time being moved to Havoc, since I had gotten through what most veterans never have gotten through Happy

That is why I may not be very familiar with him, he may have heard about me, maybe we met few times, were on mission together or something ;)


Okay then, sounds good now I have 2 options -

Option 1: Change few mentions of Wo Koon knowing Ardhel/Lee and then have Ardhel place Lee in command instead of you? (Really Gai is going to end up assuming command in the next Jedi part, but he's going to head out into WeatherNet and leave whoever Ardhel put in charge as default commander in his absence)

Option 2: Alter Wo Koon's backstory and leave Ardhel putting him in command

I guess there could be a third option, where we explain that Ardhel doesn't want to leave Lee in command because he's afraid his death will cloud Lee's judgment, and still change all the back references. It's your character, I suppose you'd prefer option 1 or 3. Let me know.

Thanks!


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re: Peer Review - Trooper Part 3

AstralProjection wrote:
Okay then, sounds good now I have 2 options -

Option 1: Change few mentions of Wo Koon knowing Ardhel/Lee and then have Ardhel place Lee in command instead of you? (Really Gai is going to end up assuming command in the next Jedi part, but he's going to head out into WeatherNet and leave whoever Ardhel put in charge as default commander in his absence)

Option 2: Alter Wo Koon's backstory and leave Ardhel putting him in command

I guess there could be a third option, where we explain that Ardhel doesn't want to leave Lee in command because he's afraid his death will cloud Lee's judgment, and still change all the back references. It's your character, I suppose you'd prefer option 1 or 3. Let me know.

Thanks!


I have 4th option Happy I`ve got higher rank than Lee, threfore command goes to me ^_^


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re: Peer Review - Trooper Part 3

Lord Marvel wrote:
AstralProjection wrote:
Okay then, sounds good now I have 2 options -

Option 1: Change few mentions of Wo Koon knowing Ardhel/Lee and then have Ardhel place Lee in command instead of you? (Really Gai is going to end up assuming command in the next Jedi part, but he's going to head out into WeatherNet and leave whoever Ardhel put in charge as default commander in his absence)

Option 2: Alter Wo Koon's backstory and leave Ardhel putting him in command

I guess there could be a third option, where we explain that Ardhel doesn't want to leave Lee in command because he's afraid his death will cloud Lee's judgment, and still change all the back references. It's your character, I suppose you'd prefer option 1 or 3. Let me know.

Thanks!


I have 4th option Happy I`ve got higher rank than Lee, threfore command goes to me ^_^


Okay then...this whole time I'd been assuming that you were both Sergeants...I never did call Lee by a rank anywhere though. That will make things easier.


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re: Peer Review - Trooper Part 3

Today I read this part and I can said: WOW!

It look amazing. I knew what will happens, but it was like new story. You're very talented!
I love this part :D


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